Don't play with matches.

OK so I am an idiot...
I just lit a match to see how far it could burn down before I would yelp. It turns out that it can actually get pretty low! Result: 5mm of matchstick left and a painful blister on the middle finger of my right hand next to my fingernail!
That will stop me from procrastinating!!

Picking up the pieces

Do you ever get to a certain point in your life and realise that you have forgotten about the values that you hold so dear? Yeah, I'm sure I'm not the only one that does it. One minute you can feel so passionate about something, it can seem so ingrained into your being that you believe it becomes second nature only to discover a year down the track that you have lost it somewhere along the way? I have literally just woken up and realised that I have left some of those values behind. Like breadcrumbs leading the way back to where I came, I have turned around and am following the trail that leads me back to where it all started to drop, picking up the pieces as I go. The journey is full of excitement, fear, beauty, sadness, love, hurt and ultimate joy. I love experiencing life's highs and lows, to be able to feel deeply whether euphoric or painful. It's incredible how a series of unlikely events can lead you back to that place of rediscovery, a place where you are able to rediscover God on such a deep level. Who am I again? I am picking up the pieces of myself as I find my way back home. My dreams are becoming more vivid. My passions are once again starting to disturb me. I realise though that I am not going to be the same person I was, too much has happened. Life keeps going.

Its hard to say what has been going on but I have decided to explain through song lyrics. This is gonna sound screwed up but its gonna make sense to me:

Well I looked my demons in the eye, laid bare my chest said do your best destroy me. You see I've been to hell and back so many times I must admit you kinda bore me.
Nothing breaks your heart much more than looking at old photographs, where you can taste the emotions and worst still if its past. They're gone now to the future but you still can deny them like a song that's sung. Regret is like a filter that covers all of your endeavors and once becomes a feature of your current thoughts. What I fear is that all of these things I hold dear will never become more than vibrations in air.
You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first. I loved you first.
It's still a little hard to say what's going on. Stones taught me to fly. Love taught me to lie. Life taught me to die. So its not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball.
The man of a thousand faces, sits down at the table, eats a small lump of sugar, and smiles at the moon like he knows her.
No one laughs at God in a hospital, no one laughs at God in a war, no ones laughing at go when they are starving or freezing or so very poor.
Love is watching someone die.
You're not sure that's OK because I'm so unsure too but I'm here for you. Hold me my friend, ask what you want of my soul. I hope it helps you to breathe. Maybe you will see the goodness in side you reflected in someone me. Someone like me.
Reaching out. I'm like a child with open arms. I wanna shout. I'm standing on the edge of something, looking down and Ive seen this precipice before. Goodbye fear.
In pursuit of our own we just go round and round. Another nail to your cause. We continue to burn. What are you man if you do not learn love?
As I sand there staring into the mirror Ive seen a figure of a man trying to take a stand and live for something more. Won't you take this life. Won't you change this life. Come and make me whole.
From little things big things grow.
These are trying times, trying times indeed...

My biggest revelation through this time:
My life is not my own...

There is sunlight behind grey skies

I have been sitting in my room for the last two hours sorting out the clothes and paper work that cover my bedroom floor. It's been a tough few weeks that lead to the 40 hour famine events over last weekend. Sleepover, doccumentary, concert, bbq and 40 hour famine stands, etc, etc. My famine ended today after 40 hours of no talking, making use of my eyes and the flexability in my face to tell people what was going on inside my head. We take communication for granted. Its nice to finally have that back again and life can slowly start to get back to normal. My carpet is now clear, my tax is ready for the tax man on Thursday and my $56 parking fine is now paid. Oh, the joys of life.

Adelaide over the last few days has been extremely windy and wet and I have spent most of the day daydreaming of things I could be doing. The exciting things I used to to before my time was no longer my own. Hiking, backpacking, camping under the stars swimming in cool water on hot days and the excitement of meeting new people. This mid season weather is such a trap and Im feeling overwhelmingly bored. All I want to do is to feel something. It's as if I have been left behind from the rest of the world.

Despite the greyness of my day I have had two moments of pure light. After many weeks of watching a fellow classmate going through tough times I was able to share in his joy today as the burden he has been carrying lifted from his shoulders. It is a beautiful thing to see someone's spirit restored and I feel blessed to have been able to share in that joy.

I have another beautiful friend who constantly reminds me that I have not been forgotten. Andy, a friend that I have been journeying with over the last 18 months sent me the most beautiful and uplifting email. Because of uni timetables and lifes craziness we have been unable to see eachother for some time. Its been hard especially considering we are both doing a very emotionally involved subject and I have chosen to do it externally. Sometimes you need to know that you are valued and missed. Andy has an incredible way with words and I value the raw honesty that he brings. It is truely little things like this that can bring a ray of light into an otherwise dull grey day. There is sunlight behind grey skies.

I would love to end this blog on a prayer from Leunig;

We give thanks for our friends
Our dear friends.
We anger each other.
We fail each other.
We share this sad earth, this tender life, this precious time.
Such richness. Such wildness.
Together we are blown about.
Together we are dragged along.
All this delight.
All this suffering.
All this forgiving life.
We hold it together.

Amen

Perth Blog 2

Well I am back home again now. Perth just went too quickly.
Over the two weeks I was there I had an opportunity to meet so many new people. Joe and Charlotte have got an amazing group of friends. I'm sure they are sick of me telling them that. I was able to get away and do some sight seeing of my own in Fremantle, Perth and the Pinnacles. Most of the time however I was happy to chill out. Joe took me to kings park for a late picnic lunch after plans to shift furniture into his new house fell through. Charlotte and her friend Mel took me wine tasting in the Swan Valley. There were countless family dinners at Charlotte's house with 9 or more people at a time seated around the table. But by far one of the most memorable moments was Joe's housewarming party in his new Edgewater home. Everyone dressed up in one colour that started with the first letter of their first name. Being a 'J' I decided to go Jade Green. This made for a hilarious night, and a very vague next day through lack of sleep. I wish I had more time to update my blog while I was away but time just seemed to slip through my fingers. I left Perth at 9:50 yesterday and am now back in Adelaide. Thankyou to Joe and Charlotte for giving me the opportunity to spend time with them, share their friends with me and to show me what Perth has to offer.

Perth Blog 1

I flew to Perth early Wednesday morning. The light at the end of the tunnel finally arrived when I steped off the plane into Western Australia. With no plans apart from Andrew's cousin Joseph picking me up from the airport I finally feel as though I have been able to chill. I am staying with Joseph's girlfriend Charlotte and her family. Apart from what Charlotte has been telling them they don't know me from a bar of soap yet they have accepted me into their family like one of their own. What a blessing this has been so far!! After getting off the plane in Perth Joe took me to a cafe on the warf for lunch and the we cruised the coastline checking out the 4ft waves the whole way along wishing I had brought my body board and wetsuit with me now! We stopped at a cafe for a mexican chilli hot chocolate before going back to Joe's new house he is moving into next week. I met the rest of the family when I got back and al nine of us sat down to an amazing meal together.
Yesterday Joe took me into the city. The original plan was to find the Museum with the prison inside. We have family history behind the walls and I was keen to check it out. We rushed to catch the train in, bypassing the ticket machine on the platform hoping to be able to buy one on the train. There was no ticket box on the train and none when we got off. Joe and I continued to search for a way out without going past security however I think we would have had to jump the gates. We would have been chased down the main street. Anyway we pleaded ignorant and got away with a free ride, avoiding the strict $50 fine usually handed out. We didn't end up finding the museum and decided to look around. We went down to the electronic glass bell tower and walked along the edge of the river into East Perth, looking at all the 3 and 4 storey town houses that had been build on the waters edge. It was like a little fairy land. There are so many hidden secrets in Perth that not even the locals are truly aware of. It was lovely.
Today Charlotte and I plan to go play mini gulf. She has just packed a picnic lunch and we are going to make a day of it. Tonight the plan is to hire a few movies and have a girly night while Joe works shifts over the next 5 days.
Only my 3rd day into my Perth experience and I am loving it. Perth is gorgeous. I'm still trying to get my hear around the fact that I am waaayyy over the other side of Australia, I must have missed the plane flight while I was reading my book. I'm really looking forward to the next few days. Breakfast at the Wild Fig tomorrow morning, a Birthday party Saturday night (I think), wine tasting with Joe and Charlotte next week, and hopefully a visit to the pinnacles on Monday.
This has been a great experience already and I'm looking forward to what the next week and a half has in store!

Looking For a Long Lost Friend

I was sitting at a table with my family in a newly renovated Belair hotel for my mum's birthday. Feeling quite vague from the headache I had I tuned out of the conversation and began to look around the room at the restaurant full of people. While taking a mouthful of medicinal coke I noticed a familiar face on the table across from ours. Unsure of whether I was right or not I turned to my dad who was sitting next to me and asked, 'is that Liz who used to live next door?'

Liz lived with her then husband and two children Josh and Alex. Josh was my best mate for as long as I could remember up until I was about 6 years old. His family had moved to America after that. I had only seen him twice since they had come back.

Dad took a long hard inconspicuous look and said, 'Surely. Surely it's her.' Both fairly certain but not 100% convinced we both turned to mum and dared her to go up and ask. Mum being the daring one in the family got up and interrupted the conversation at the opposing table. Within seconds there were squeals of delight. It was obviously her!! I was quite excited about seeing my surrogate auntie again and was keen to find out what Josh and Alex had been up to.

After coming back to Australia the family moved to Aberfoyle Park for a while and then packed up and moved to Ballarat in Victoria. Probably why we haven't heard from them in such a long time. Liz informed us that her and her husband split and she was now remarried. After working in wine regions for a while Josh got married and moved to Darwin with his wife. His little brother Alex had just turned 21!

I have been looking for Josh on many of the social networking sights for quite some time but have been unsuccessful. Josh was such a prominent figure in my childhood I constantly wonder what ever happened to him and his little brother and whether or not they ever thought about me and my little brother, now 24. There are countless stories I could tell of our time spent living next door to Josh. I only hope I have the opportunity to meet up with him again one day to share some of the vivid memories we made as mates almost 20 years ago.

Almost There

The light at the end of the tunnel is approaching at speed but I have to dodge the goods-train first!!
Seriously looking forward to going to Perth in around 3 weeks time!!